Feel like I am going to blow up

Monday, December 14th, 2015

The glass keeps filling because I can deal with things I don’t like to a point where I can’t handle it anymore so anger starts to build. I don’t like people getting into my stuff or moving things or taking things and messing things up. I never liked it. Even as a kid I can remember coming home from school and finding someone had been in my room or touched my doll house or play house and made a mess or moved doll furniture or left stuff out in my room or took stuff from there so I would yell and scream and cry and carry on. Now I feel that part of me is back and the reason why I got over this as I got older was because my brothers were older so they knew to not touch my stuff and to leave stuff the same in my room and to return things and they didn’t often do it so I had time to recharge and not have it all build up. I had time to collect tokens as Karla Fisher put it for dealing with the NT world. Now that i have young children, they get into things but my four year old knows to not touch my things but my one year old doesn’t know that. She is at an age where she has to get into anything so i try to keep stuff out of her reach but with other people in the house and a son, they move stuff and leave things where she can get into things. Like she can get into the board games and lose pieces to them and she already tore the Candyland board apart down the middle.

Lately the TV remote has been disappearing from my room. not a big deal right. Right if you have enough tokens. But what if it becomes a normal thing, your tokens start to run low and you can feel the anxiety and frustration building up and then you feel better but when it happens again, you feel that anger again and frustration you feel like yelling and screaming and slamming things because someone was in your room again and took something out of it. I told my husband I wanted no kids in my room while I am at work so he has been doing that lately but it’s been my dad that has been taking the TV remote and then I find out mine has been missing so it’s his TV remote. Okay so there I am upset my TV remote is missing. Then I go to the basement to see if it’s down there because my daughter could have brought it down there but then I see she got into my Wii games and opened them but the discs were still intact. I get even more upset and yell at my husband about it and told him he is the parent, he is down here so I see no reason why the kids should get into the games. He is there to stop them and he is there in the room watching them. Then I said do I need to quit my job to stay home because he can’t even watch the kids and even keep them out of my stuff?

I also feel I am going to lose it one of these days and explode because of days of my stuff being taken or stuff getting into and things being removed from my room so I warned my parent and my husband so they know how serious this is and how much it’s upsetting me and I am running out of energy for dealing with this. I felt like I was threatening them.

Hey my husband has a play pen down there so he can use that as a time out whenever she gets into things she isn’t supposed to touch. Before having kids I used to wonder why couldn’t they let small children play with things if they won’t wreck it, now I know because they tend to lose things and my son will pick up some pieces and toss them in the air and I have scolded him for doing that with my toys and saying if he throws my things like this, I won’t let him play with my stuff. I even threaten to put the game away too if he can’t treat it with respect. I have learned several hard lessons from my son about letting small children touching my things so that is why parents go “mine” when they don’t want their kids touching things that isn’t theirs. But I refuse to make that same mistake with my daughter so I don’t let her touch my things at all or her brother’s board games.  I can now understand why people don’t want kids in their room especially if they have friends over or when they are gone. I don’t want my son in my room because he might leave the door open and Sissy will get in here and she might move my things and lose things and even wreck my computer and get into my DS games and wreck them if she puts them in her mouth., wreck any of my AC adapters if she puts them in her mouth. I don’t want Sissy in here for the reasons I already listed. So the rule of no kids in my room when I am gone makes it easier for me so that way the door stays closed. Even my parents and husband are aware of this rule and they are aware the door stays closed to keep Sissy out.

I notice lot of people don’t like these things either or else they wouldn’t have these rules I have but they all seem to handle it better than me and they don’t eventually explode or feel any panic or like they are not safe or feel anger building up and feeling they are going to lose it. Even as a kid I noticed how well kids would handle these things is someone was in their room or touched their things or messed their things up because I knew I would be crying if that happened to me and I would be very upset and not feel safe and it would be hard to get over. I did used to scream at my mom for hours if my brothers touched my dollhouse or my playhouse or if they were in my room because they had left a mess so she learned to keep everyone away from my things including my brother and my brother started to keep his friends out of my room and from touching my stuff because he knew how much it would upset me. He was five. But even as a young child I didn’t like acting this way because i hated feeling that way and having those feelings. I would even get to a point where I would do things to my brothers for revenge like trying to get them into trouble. I would do things and then say they did it just so they would be punished all because they were in my room or because they touched my dollhouse and messed it up and moved stuff or because they made a mess in my playhouse or because they wrecked my mud cake outside or because they took something out of my room and lost it which was the reason why i always kept my door closed and then it became a habit so I continued leaving it closed even after my brothers were past that stage. Now I find I have to get into that habit again of closing my door. I always remember and make sure I close it whenever I leave my room.




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