I found another great blog. http://psychopathsandlove.com/
I have read parts of it and so far it sounds like narcissism. It’s the overlaps again. How can you tell the difference? I will quote someone from Reddit. “A label doesn’t matter, only their behavior does if it was abusive.”
Let’s forget about labels right now in this post. Scratch off covert narcissism for Jerry. Now how will I describe him? He was a jerk, an asshole, he was very manipulative, he played games, he had broken promises, I was unhappy in the relationship and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t see anything wrong with what I could be so unhappy about. I was having low self esteem but that was because I was dealing with the hard truth. I was being held back because I couldn’t go and get a job. I didn’t know how to use the bus system, I didn’t want to get lost, it was all too stressful for me to know where to start, I had no way of applying for work if I didn’t have a working car, I couldn’t use Jerry’s car like he had said I would because he had changed his car insurance on it, I was depressed and trapped. He was also very judgmental and closed minded, bigoted, had very low self esteem and he cared way too much what people thought of him that it affected him and me. It affected him to a point where he acted controlling because he was way too worried what others would think of him. I felt I had to keep things bottled up or he would get mad and defensive and ignore me and take what I say the wrong way. I had to be careful what I said and how I worded it. Plus everything had to be his kid’s business and my ex boyfriend was unempathetic and very cold hearted. He had no intention of being more sensitive. Plus he thought he was always right. So you see, I don’t really need a label to decide if he was abusive or not. I didn’t even have the N label for him until this year when I had started to read about it. But I had already knew he was emotionally abusive and emotional manipulative after I had read about those two long after the break up. he also had poor money management and had this great fantasy about his life and thought he could make it happen. He also didn’t have a good touch on reality and everything was always someone’s fault, people were always screwing him over. He had the belief he could get custody of his son, he just had to keep trying and trying but in reality he was just living a pipe dream and wasting his grandparents money. He didn’t understand that the reason why no lawyer would take his case is because he had very little chance of winning so they didn’t want to waste his time and take his money because they were honest. But he found one lawyer who did take his case but I think he did that for the money and he needed people like my ex to make money. He was pretty naive. He was also willful ignorant and at first it was cute because he came off as very naive but then it stopped being cute when it was willful ignorance I realized.
You have to stop and think if he is the right person for you? Are you compatible? Are you happy in the relationship? I still wished I had left him sooner or not get with him at all when we met online. We might have been online friends or maybe he would have cut off contact with me still and I never see him online again or he never messages me or never responds if he felt there wouldn’t be a chance he will ever get with me and I would have just dodged a bullet. I might have still moved anyway and still live with my aunt and uncle and still meet my husband and still get an apartment but hard to say if I were to go back in time and do it all over again. It wouldn’t have erased the experience though because I still would have remembered. It would just mean it never happened because I turned everything back where I was 21 years old again and what if there could be a do over and everything from my memory past 21 years of age at the time is all wiped. How would I stop myself from dating Jerry and make myself listen to my parents about staying in Montana to get my car fixed? Would I have still met my husband? Would it have changed my future? Would I be a different person than I am now? I was lucky I got my self esteem back and myself and found myself again without feeling any shame and sometimes just sometimes I will still feel retarded and bad but I felt that way before I met him. He just made sure it was all true. I don’t think he left any permanent damage because I got counseling, I was told he was stupid, lot of things he said was bull. I just had to hear that from a counselor. She didn’t label him. I don’t even know if she diagnosed him or not, I never asked and not all therapists will label someone or even tell you what they have labeled you with. She just said he had low self esteem and felt bad so he had to make himself feel better by making others feel bad. My dad says the same thing. She also refused to call him ignorant and would rather use the word naive. I think naive is a nice way of calling someone ignorant and she was a therapist and therapists don’t talk bad about people so they will use other words like naive, non compliant, instead of ignorant or hypocrite. They will even say confused instead of saying a person is stupid. They are not Dr. Phil. But even he has acted empathetic towards his guests when he is trying to help them instead of using negative terms. After all if you want to help someone, you have to refrain from telling them they are this or that or else they will not listen and cling onto their ignorance even more and their issues even more and fall into victim mode. Plus he has his own TV show and people watch it so he doesn’t need to follow the rules if he is his own boss. People watch it for the drama. It’s out there so we watch it because we can. They are airing their dirty laundry on the show for strangers around the world and our country to see. I don’t know what other countries get that TV show. I couldn’t imagine going on there and airing my problems out there and then get judged for it because I had put it out there for everyone to see and to judge. But what if it was my only way I can get help because I couldn’t afford any therapy let’s say? What if my kid was having so many problems I didn’t know what to do and even my insurance didn’t cover it and I didn’t have the money so I go on that show to get the “free” help? That is why some people label him as a bully because he exploits people on the show and even though it’s their choice to be on there but he does it because he knows not everyone knows how to get help or can afford it so they go to him so they can get it and to get it, they have to show the whole world their problems and show everyone how crazy their child is and how awful they are. But there are times when they do not show the kid’s face but what is the point in that? They are showing the parents faces so that means anyone who knows those people would know who their kid is. I know their intent is to protect the kid’s identity but yet they are showing the parents so face censoring makes it pointless. Unless the parents are using fake names on the show and using a different disguise by changing their looks so no one can recognize them. Someone I know did that when he appeared on the show for Baby Brett, the adult baby. So if I had to air my dirty laundry, I would have to use a pen name and change my looks for the show to be unrecognizable. Then it would be relevant to censor out my kids faces. But if I had to be on the show, I think I wouldn’t even look at the comments because I wouldn’t want to see any judgments and having to defend myself and see any armchair diagnoses going around.
I think being discarded by an abuser is the best thing they can do for you. At least you go out and they let you go. In fact I might have dodged a bullet when he came back wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving because I was already in another relationship and he might have tried taking me back and say how wrong he was and how much he had missed me and how he had changed and of course even apologize if I wasn’t in another relationship. Because I was still with my new boyfriend, he didn’t need to say those things and that was when I last ever heard from him. And to be honest I might have made the mistake by going back to him only to be hurt all over again. But would I have repeated the same mistake by staying or would I have left this time instead of waiting for it to get better again because I had liked the Jerry I had met instead of the Jerry he was being again? But this is something I don’t get because why do these things again if you could end up losing your partner again? I think what he had learned about ignoring me is he will just lose me because I will just move on and get a new boyfriend. He didn’t even contact me again until he saw I had a new boyfriend and then he was quiet again and then he came back a couple months later which I always thought was strange. But I did respond to him because I had missed the good times between us, his stories, his charm. I missed the Jerry I first knew when we met and when we were talking online before I moved in with him. So when he was acting like nothing had happened between us, it made it feel things were back to “normal” again the way things were when we first met. But this is apparently a normal feeling.