When I was in my second relationship, Jerry was very paranoid. He always worried about coming off as a pedophile so he refused to do anything that would make people think he is one. He even didn’t like having anything to do with me if he felt I was acting too childish so it was like I had to change who I was to satisfy him. I was also an embarrassment to him and he didn’t like my little quirks or anything I did even if it was me playing my Nintendo DS or reading a book while waiting or doing it in groups. He also assumed what others thought of him and always worried too much what others would think. He also worried people were judging him based on what car he drove. This is also part of social anxiety where people worry they are being judged or that others are looking at them but how can you tell if this was the narcissism or just him having social anxiety?
In our relationship he has accused me of intentionally doing things or me being mad at him. One example is when I was tired so I snapped at him in the car and in his bed and he kept saying I was mad at him. I explained to him I was tired so I get crappy and grumpy especially when I get disturbed and I can’t even listen because I am tired and want to be left alone but he still kept saying I was mad at him totally ignoring what I was saying.
Another time we were in downtown walking and we come by a automatic drinking fountain where water comes out and down the drain. I show him a neat trick I had learned a year back and you put your finger over it and make the water squirt out like it’s a hose. I show it to him but instead I accidentally get him in the face when I meant for it to go the other direction. I started laughing and I apologized because I didn’t mean for that to happen and he said I did it on purpose. I tell him it was an accident and tell him what direction I was trying to make it go but he still said it was on purpose.
Another time we were in California and it was after we picked his son up. We were in a hotel room and it was early morning. Everyone was still sleeping but me. I get out of bed and get on his computer and I look at defunct amusement parks. I go to a webpage and I have no idea it will play music. It does and it wakes everyone up and I try to turn it down and I am apologizing for it. Jerry said I did that on purpose and I tell him I did not because I didn’t know it was going to play music and I tried to turn it down but the computer wouldn’t let me because it was going too slow. He still said I did it on purpose.
Okay was this his “Asperger’s” that made it hard for him to judge if it was intentional or an accident but IMO if you can’t even trust your own partner so you think their actions are intentional and they always have to defend themselves because you are too paranoid to even believe them, the relationship is bad. I decided never again will I let anyone treat me this way and if they can’t even believe me and think I have some agenda or think I am doing them on purpose, good bye. I don’t care if you are autistic or have social anxiety or have any trust issues, but if you are going to behave this way which is abuse, I don’t need to deal with it. For all I know this is also a characteristic of narcissism and emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse so it doesn’t matter why someone is doing it. The behavior is all it matters. One thing that always gets to me is people not listening. Which is why I tried to listen to Jerry only to dismiss my own feelings and think I was going crazy and thinking I was being paranoid because his own actions were contradicting his words. I was treating him how I would like to be treated. I want people to listen to me so I listened to him but instead I had let the abuse happen because I was unaware of it. But after all isn’t that what you are supposed to do in relationships, trust your partner, listen to him and you wouldn’t even think they would harm you which is how relationship abuse happens and why we stay. He claimed to have anxiety, PTSD, depression, Asperger’s so I ignored myself and tried to be understanding but instead I ended up hurt at the end so I had decided after that no more paranoid people. I will not be hurt by another one again. If anyone ever falsely accuses me and not believe me, I am gone because I do not want those people in my life. They have their own problems they need to sort out in therapy and deal with themselves. To me they are toxic.
I know not all paranoid people are narcissists when they worry about being judged or what others are thinking or when they think people are being mean to them or getting embarrassed by others who they are with such as their own child or partner. So I wouldn’t even label every single paranoid person as one unless they show enough symptoms of narcissism.