What would happen if someone lacked cognitive and effective empathy?
This was a question that was asked online. But according to google search, both these terms mean the same thing. But anyway the person wanted to know what if someone lacked cognitive empathy like an aspie but also lacked effective empathy like someone with antisocial personality disorder.
Here was my response to it:
I think I may have known a few people like this. These people tend to be very toxic and be abusive and then they never seem to get your perspective or even care about your feelings when you tell them. It’s always your fault and your fault for how you feel and your feelings are never their concern. But yet they can act nice at the same time and seem like very nice people but they have no filter and no tact. These people I try to avoid and I am sad to say I have known a few ASD people like this. They fit my mom’s stereotype of what AS is and yes there are actually some aspies out there who are like that. Would I still accept this flaw in them and out up with it, absolutely not. They truly don’t care and think it’s your problem, not theirs so they don’t really care for isolation and all their social difficulties because it’s everyone’s fault, not theirs. They are like their own worst enemies. Even the word narcissist comes to mind for these people and that is also a characteristic for NPD.
According to google search, effective empathy and cognitive empathy are both the same.
Sadly the more I think about it, the more I realize I have known people like this. Jerry was one of them, he had no empathy and he believed in humiliation and shaming (don’t lot of people?)and making others feel bad if it’s the truth. I also knew someone else with an ASD who was also like this but I won’t say who this person was because that person is very well known in the ASD community an I don’t want to get any gruff for saying bad things about that person. Also from my personal experience with these sort of people, they also tend to be hypocrites and they throw it back at you when you try to show them their double standard and what they are doing. They truly do not care. I have also met some online like this also and I don’t see them as acting any different than bullies who go “you are just too sensitive” or people who play that card to get away with being hurtful and people who claim they don’t sugar coat things when they mean they won’t be tactful and they also say how honest they are being when they mean they will just be hurtful. I do think people use honesty as an excuse to be a jerk.
But I remember I was in a chat room months back and there was a person in there who also had AS and a new person told her how rude she was to him in one of his threads. She was like “I was” and he shows her the thread where she was rude and she was totally shocked she came off that way and said how her husband tells her she has no tact and her family says the same thing but she apologized. This told me she really does care and doesn’t want to hurt people or be rude to anyone. I have seen her say in a thread online how she is seeing someone for her speech so I can assume she might be working on this flaw so she can get along better with people and she doesn’t want to be this way so that does show the difference. But there are some out there who do not care so they will not make any effort to change so in a way they do choose to be this way. They are making that choice to be this way. They may think it’s other peoples problem but I think it’s their problem and if I see any of them complain about not being accepted and blaming their autism or their poor social skills and how “narrow” NTs are and “judgmental,” I might just scream because the hypocrisy and the irony is killing me. It is a possibility these people can also be narcissists. Who says you can’t have both? Also how do I know they are not self diagnosed or how do I know they don’t have an ASD? If it’s on the internet, I wouldn’t even know. They could just be wrongly diagnosed with an ASD or they could be self diagnosed but don’t really have it. The same can be said about real life. How do I know this person I knew isn’t a pathological liar, how do I know that person isn’t lying about their medical history or lying in their blog? I have seen some ASD people say how NT that person acts ad how they think they don’t think that person has autism. Also how do I know my ex wasn’t faking Asperger’s? Thins may not have added up about how he got tested for it and how he didn’t get the $300 from his grandparents to get the DX so how do I know he really had it? Just because someone says they do doesn’t mean they do. You can choose to believe them or not. Yeah it sucks to be falsely accused of faking something but I try to not let it bother me if it happens because I know anyone can make stuff up by claiming to have it so people feel justified with their accusation and they don’t care if they are wrong or not. If you are toxic, they don’t care if you have it or not and they don’t care if they are wrong. I also think it has to do with the stigma so to fight that stigma they will doubt your autism if you are toxic. I don’t really agree with all this undiagnosing stuff people do on the internet or in the media or in real life because of their bias about autism even though there have been two times where I have actually thought someone didn’t have it because those people were so toxic so I felt they acted bad enough for me to decide they don’t have it. Besides none of these people were diagnosed and one of them did manage to get the diagnoses after he had been diagnosed with NVLD but he said they were wrong. I also think this other person was a narcissist. I don’t know if Jerry ever managed to get the diagnoses too but I know he has told other people he had it.
I remember asking my mother about what Asperger’s really is and what would I have been like if I had lot of it and she said I would probably be hurting peoples feelings and go “so” when they tell me. the way she described it made it sound like I would have been an asshole, been like Cruella De Vil minus the fur clothing and killing animals. I asked my school counselor what is the difference between normal people doing it and someone with AS. Does that mean Cruella also has it because she does’t care about other people? My school counselor told me she just chooses to not care about people, she is aware of their feelings, she knows she is hurting them but she doesn’t care. People with AS don’t realize it; they are not aware of your feelings or even understand so it’s not a choice they are doing. But even some on the spectrum have told me my mom was describing psychopathy. So that shows not all of them are this way. I don’t think Jerry was one, I think he was a narcissist and that is also a characteristic. APD (or ASPD), NPD, and BPD share the same symptoms.
Now my question would be how can you tell if someone is really aware or if they don’t truly understand? Even narcissists don’t truly understand so what is the difference?