With my mother, she always has to know what is causing something before you do a thing about it. if a kid is acting up, you have to look at what is causing their behavior before you punish them. If they are doing it because they are tired, you give them a nap. If they are acting that way because of anxiety, figure out why they are having it.
As a kid, whenever I was doing a behavior that was not okay, she and my dad had to figure out first what caused it. Apparently they couldn’t just punish it out of me and bam I learn my lesson and not do it again. So growing up I would do things and get away with it because it was a matter of being talked to about it. When i was seven I came home screaming one day and my mom scolded me about it and I remember her making me put my coat and back pack back on and come back inside without screaming. Then later she talked to me about it and I apologized and told her it was school behavior so I was at home now so I had to do home behavior. So instead of teaching me to not scream at home and telling me to not do it in school, she had to pull me out of that class because I was acting up and mimicking negative behaviors. Never again did she and my dad put me in special classes or have me go to a special school for kids with learning disorders or otherwise I would mimic the negative behavior. When my school wanted me in a behavior program, my parents had to get a lawyer and apparently the Asperger’s diagnoses stopped them from putting me in that class. My parents didn’t want me there because I would have mimicked the behavior issues and then do it at home and then realize it’s school behavior.
I just had no sense of right or wrong or what is appropriate behavior. I always looked at others around me and figured out how I am supposed to act. If rules were broken, it would confuse me. If people did inappropriate things, it would confuse me. Only way I could tell if it was wrong is if they got in trouble for it. I was a copycat. But of course my social skills might have seemed fine as a young child because I mimicked but as I got older, it got more prominent because of puberty and kids change and start doing things and testing their limits more and social rules change too so mine were all of a sudden very poor now.
Of course my mom told my school that other kids were setting a bad example for me when she saw on video how other kids were acting. I am sure that came off as my mom blaming my behavior on other kids and not taking any responsibility for mine. Just like how it might seem like that my mother blamed my screaming on the other boy in my class who always did it which is where I learned the behavior so she wanted to get me out of that class so she did.
So in a way my mom did shelter me because she wanted to teach me appropriate behavior, have me learn social skills and because I always mimicked people, she kept me away from certain people and only wanted me with normal kids. She did have me do group therapy and then she regretted it because kids there were so dysfunctional and I would get confused about how to act and my mom always had to spend the rest of her day answering my questions about the contradictions. I would see something and then be confused about why it’s okay to do it but I had been told it wasn’t okay so how come that person can do it. How would you explain this double standard to a concrete thinker and someone who is so literal and so black and white? How would you even explain to a seven year old me about why that boy can scream at school and I can’t? Which is why she got me out of there because it was easier to get me away from those kids and put me with normal kids without trying to teach the behavior out of me and then I go back to school and still see it and then still do it because I can’t understand why he has that rule and I don’t. If I am allowed to do it there, it’s not wrong and it’s a rule there.
Because of all this, I had learned that I was not responsible for my behavior if I didn’t know or because I was taught it or was told it was okay to do. I learned the hard way as an adult that we are all responsible for our behavior no matter what. Ignorance isn’t an excuse.
When I was in 6th grade, my mom told me about mercy kill and that Oregon was the only state that allowed it. If someone is suffering and they are in lot of pain, you can kill them and it’s call a mercy kill. For years I thought if someone is in chronic pain and suffering very badly, you can kill them. Fast forward to my late twenties, my grandmother is dying so I tell my mother we can always kill her to make her death quicker because she is in pain and is already dying so let’s make it quicker and I said if people want to do a mercy kill, they would have to bring them to Oregon and kill them there. My mom told me the person has to consent to it and my grandmother can’t consent to it so it would be murder. Then she started laughing when she realized I thought if anyone is suffering, you can just kill them. I probably took it too literal when I was 12 years old. But what if I had killed her, the judge wouldn’t have slammed down his gavel saying “Young lady, what you did was very wrong but that is not how euthanasia works. They have to consent to it and your grandmother couldn’t because of her condition so next time you do this again, I will sentence you twenty five years in prison so I will sentence you instead to learn the laws about euthanasia.” No that is not how it works in the real world vs being a child when you make a mistake because you misunderstood something or learned the wrong lesson so the adult corrects you and you are off the hook. Part of being a kid is learning about the real world so kids will be let off the hook after being given a lecture.
In Full House, Michelle Tanner learns that when things get taken from her, you pinch them because that is what her uncle told her when Aaron took her cookie so he had her pinch him back to get his cookie. Instead she had learn you pinch someone if they take something from you so when Stephanie took her lamp just to borrow it, Michelle started pinching her and once Jesse realized what he had done, he corrected her and didn’t punish her for it because she had learned the wrong lesson. But if she were an adult and someone taught her the wrong thing, she would be held responsible for her behavior and get punished for it.
It is unfair but life is unfair. My therapist told me in high school if I can’t be responsible for my behavior, I can’t be out in the real world. That would mean I would need to be in a group home or something and have my adult rights revoked and have a legal guardian. That is not the life I want.
My husband was given a warning by our local transportation system because he didn’t have a all zone pass when he was going to work. We were both misinformed at the ticket office that the airport was in zone 2 so my husband always had a 2 zone bus pass until the fair inspector saw it and gave him a warning. My husband was very upset because 1) It wasn’t his fault 2) What if he made another mistake, then he would get a $500 fine. For me it was no big deal because 1) He didn’t get a huge fine 2) He was only given a warning so now he knows. But for my husband a warning is only fair if you deliberately break a rule, not on accident. But the thing is anyone can break a rule intentionally and then play ignorant which is why people who make a mistake get penalized. Just like on forums if you keep breaking the rules on accident, you get penalized because they don’t know if you are that dense and naive and can’t understand the rules because you don’t know where to draw the line. Which is also why we have ignorance is no excuse for when someone breaks the law because anyone can claim they didn’t understand the law when they did it and that they misunderstood it or that they didn’t know about it. So that makes people with disabilities more vulnerable to getting into trouble with the law which was why I always had anxiety about it as a teenager. That is probably why I was obsessed with crime movies because I wanted to know right from wrong so i wouldn’t break any laws on accident and go to jail. I also read lot of crime stuff too. But it was my interest too so it wasn’t any distress, I think my fear just triggered that interest. Then once my fear went away, my interest in crime got less intense. My special interest could have been OCD related. I wonder if people with OCD can also have special interests they enjoy just like autistic people and spend lot of their time thinking about it and reading about it. What triggered the fear, bullies. Kids taking advantage of me and egging me to do things I didn’t want to do and then getting in trouble for it. I realize maybe my school was trying to teach me about the real world but it backfired because all I saw was injustice and that everyone picked on me because of my name being Beth and because I am different. But probably the Asperger’s diagnoses changed all that because finally kids left me alone and everything and that was at the end of the school year. But because of that, it got me really paranoid about adult life so I got into crime. I had to look over myself and protect myself from these people so I had to get myself educated so i could be safe and people would leave me alone if they saw I was too smart and not target me. I guess this is an example of taking responsibility for yourself so yeah Karen is right, that is another perk from bullying I got.