Nope this wouldn’t have worked with me

Friday, October 9th, 2015

http://themighty.com/2015/10/10-things-i-needed-to-hear-most-as-a-child-on-the-autism-spectrum/

This article got positive feedback but this is something I can’t really relate because I know if these things were said to me as a child, it would have done the opposite than it intended. Why? I hated being different, I wanted to be normal very bad so I was working on trying to change to be normal so the last thing I would need to hear are these things. When you have low self esteem and have depression, it’s very easy to take things out of context and to twist things and to take things the wrong way.

I would have felt I was not worthy, I will never be normal, I am meant to not be a good person. It was already labeled as being rude, mean, show off, despicable, weird, crazy, insane, spoiled, sour, so to be told that I can’t be normal, it will be impossible, would be telling me I am meant to be all these things other kids had me labeled as.

In my mindset it was if lot of people think negative things about you, it must be true and there is a saying “if everyone is an asshole, you’re the asshole” which is probably why my mom finally took me to a psychologist when I was in the 5th grade. I was being rejected by my peers, kids were mean to me and it was all the time than sometimes like most kids. Most kids get rejected and get poked fun at from time to time but for me it was on a daily basis so no wonder I was so depressed and had low self esteem and was very frustrated. For most kids it’s no big deal because it’s something they only have to deal with once in a while during the whole school year while for me it was almost daily. So obviously something was wrong with me if everyone in my school is an asshole which was how I also knew I was different but I couldn’t understand why. Kids are mean. They lack filters, they say what they exactly think. They’re mean because they’re allowed to be and a grown up lets them because it’s normal so they expect the victim to toughen up and ignore it just because it’s normal kid behavior. But kids can be little monsters because they know how to manipulate the adults, target someone, and get away with it, they can work in groups and play the innocent card. But is it all their fault? It is the grown ups job to teach them and to stop it and if they don’t, the kids see they can get away with it. I even thought I was put on this planet to be a punching bag and that I am meant to be a bad person. But my mom says those were all mean kids. I wonder if all the kids in my high school were just jerks. I have seen a phrase “before you know you have socialization issues make sure you are not surrounded by a bunch of assholes.” I wasn’t bullied in high school or middle school but I still felt like I was treated different but if we had stayed living in Washington, then I would have gotten bullied and it may have gotten worse to a point where I might have killed myself or dropped out because I wouldn’t be able to take the harassment. I might have ended up getting home schooled and my mom would have had to quit her job to teach me but then she wouldn’t be able afford my therapies anymore so I wouldn’t have gotten them anymore anyway and I might not be able to see Rebekah Smith. I would have been happy anyway so I might not have needed to see her anymore anyway. My brothers might have ended up home schooled too because my brother was too smart for his grade level work and they wouldn’t have challenged him and my other brother might have been homeschooled for his own reason.

But the article is still good and it might work on some kids with disabilities, especially with autism. But for those with low self esteem, depression, especially if they want to be normal very badly and don’t accept themselves, this would backfire. I was already convinced that no matter where I go, people will always be mean to me because they would always know I am different. But I know now my parents had been right all along that that problem would all end once I get out of high school and they were right. People do leave me alone now, even strangers, people are too busy with their lives to even pick on someone or to even give a shit. I can be myself more and not have to worry about being given a hard time or judged for what i wear or what I do for gun or watch how I sit or walk or watch my face. Yet I will hear stories out there by people who seem to be surrounded by assholes so they are always judged, treated badly, bullied at work, etc. and I sit here and wonder how do they find those people, where are all those people? Do those people have bad luck or are they exaggerating? There can’t be that many assholes and every job they run into always has a bunch of assholes or where they live, everyone is one. Once in a while I will run into a jerk but I won’t go online and exaggerate saying how mean people are to me and how judgmental they are making it sound like it’s all the time and a bunch of people instead of just that one person.  Plus I don’t even try to be social or make any friends so that might be part of why I don’t ever see them and maybe those people online are trying to be social and make friends but are very frustrated because it never turns out well and they are still trying to be like everyone else. But no one gives me a hard time for being quiet and being kept to myself.  I am sure I frustrate my co workers at work because of my confusion and not understanding and forgetting to look at the board so they always have to tell me and having to give me every detail and not being able to understand them because English isn’t their first language but yet other primary English speaking co workers seem to have no problems understanding them. No one gets pissed at me for that either.

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