This is a lesson I should have learned after my first relationship but I didn’t.
When I first met *Jayden, he was unemployed, had a messy bedroom, didn’t have his driver’s license. I did not judge him. He had reasons for all these things so I thought if I just help him, he will move forward. I thought if he lived with me, he would have more room and he wouldn’t be messy (that was his excuse for his messy bedroom). I took him around to apply for work and he got a job at McDonalds. I also picked up the DMV study guide for him so he could study to get his license. He had a car but couldn’t drive it due to no license. But he always complained about his work, he didn’t like his boss or the co workers, he couldn’t just roll with the punches and ignore the work politics. He wouldn’t do anything to help himself and I even got him a note pad so he could write stuff down and I left it at his computer but he had an excuse for why that wouldn’t help him. He even managed to get himself fired because his boss wouldn’t put him on schedule when he told him he wouldn’t be able to work for three weeks because he wouldn’t have a ride. I gave him the idea that he could come to work with me and then I leave work to take him since it was only up the road about a mile away or two. But he shot that down and had excuses for why it wouldn’t work and I even said he can change into his work uniform when he gets there but his excuse was there were no lockers and his boss wouldn’t like him leaving his stuff laying around so I told him he could change in the restroom at my work and then I take him and he leaves his stuff in my car. More excuses. He also wouldn’t study for his test so he had more excuses for not getting his license like he wouldn’t remember how to get there. I told him you stay on the highway and McDonalds will be on the right, you cannot miss it. More excuses. I even suggested he could follow me to the highway and he drives the rest there on his own, more excuses. He even said it was cheaper if I just take him anywhere instead of him getting his license. He wanted me to be his taxi.
All this time I was trying to help him overcome his problems and get through his roadblocks so he can be more independent because he had told me his parents wouldn’t do anything with him to help him so that was why he didn’t work.
This is what I got for being non judgmental, being helpful and caring, my parents were right all along about him. When I finally dumped him, I should have learned that I can’t always help someone so I should be more judgmental and not assume that someone will change once I help them.
Now fast forward months later, I meet Jerry. Yes he is depressed, his ex is giving him hell, he has low self esteem,he is naive, oh he doesn’t understand adult babies, I will help him with that and he won’t think they are sickos and pedos once he knows me and I tell him all about it. Oh he is worried what others think of him. Oh he is worried about others thinking he is a pedo. But he is better than Jayden because he works hard to live and he drives a car and doesn’t make excuses to not do things. He was so good to be true.
I support him, correct him about things on life because he didn’t have a touch on reality, I tell him anyone who thinks he is a pedophile for going to a kid’s movie is an idiot and telling him anyone who thinks I am a pedophile for looking at toys or buying a toy is an idiot. I also reassure him and tell him not to worry what others might think, I try to show him adult babies are not a bunch of retards but he just wanted to be willful ignorant. I could not make him happy or change his negative views and he didn’t like himself and he had to put everyone down including my parents and me. He was emotionally abusive and controlling and I wouldn’t let him control me and I refused to change myself to make him happy so he wouldn’t feel like he was with a child and as a punishment, he made fun of me and told his son things about me to humiliate me. He was not a nice person. It took me after this relationship to realize I cannot always help someone. It would be another few more years before I realize when dating you shouldn’t automatically jump to a rescue when someone’s life is shit assuming that you can change it and change them because only people can help themselves. Dating is when you should be more judgmental, this is why we all have these deal breakers that look ridiculous to others. We have all been there and it didn’t go well so we make it a deal breaker. None of us want to go through it again. I decided if anyone is a bigot about AB/DL and doesn’t understand it and won’t listen, run. Do not even educate them or even try.
If you meet someone and they have flaws and issues and if they collide with your mental health, run, do not stay and think they will change.
As you can tell now, you probably know now how I picked two awful partners. I just didn’t learn from my first mistake about trying to help someone. Shame on me.