Retaliation against the abuse

Monday, October 5th, 2015

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/07/retaliation-against-abuse/

Yes I tried this. I used to just do things to piss him off because I just thought he was so ignorant. But he turned out to be abusive so it doesn’t really matter what I did but I can still learn from it. But the truth is it doesn’t work as the article says. You do it and you end up hurt at the end like I was. Is it possible my ex retaliated back because he didn’t like me retaliating so he did it back to me? Possibly. Remember abuse is all about control so if the abuser feels he is losing control, he could do things to his victim to make him feel more powerful.

I also did try to show my ex his hypocrisy and his double standard but he always had excuses, would call it a game if I tried to give him a taste of his own medicine. That also doesn’t work with a narcissistic or an abuser. He was always the victim. They are powerful so trying to win doesn’t get you anywhere. Instead it backfires and you end up hurt at the end and the abuser wins anyway. My ex may have lost me but he still won and he didn’t care if he didn’t have me, he can just find other women and he was the type to never give up. If there is something he really wanted, he went for it and never would quit.

So if you are in a abusive relationship and you are trying to win an argument with them or show them, you are wasting your time. You cannot prove an abuser wrong or win against them and it will just backfire like it did with the woman in the article.

That could have been the case with my ex. It is possible Claudia got tired of his abuse so she cheated on him and then retaliated and there was Jerry not seeming to get he is an asshole. Back when me and him were together, I thought his ex was this evil mean person who was out to harass him and make his life miserable. Why didn’t she just leave him instead of cheating, I do not know. But I believed all his stories and believed he was abused by her and the victim, it never dawned on me until years after that the problems I had with him could be the real reason why his ex left him. I wondered if she had the same issues with him I had and I have wanted to talk to her about it ever since but I do not know her last name. I have found her children and her son on Facebook but not her and I am afraid to even talk to them. What if they take his side and what if they have a great relationship with him. I do not know if my ex was lying about his relationship with her girls but I do know his son loved him and he has her (formally him) on his friends. Why would I want to talk to his ex? For closure, to show myself I am not crazy and I am not imagining all this and I didn’t make him out to be an asshole to my parents because we had all misunderstood him and he really wasn’t some innocent man and a victim. Plus the girls were 11 and 13 when their mother left him and I can understand now why she didn’t want them talking to him and him having any contact with them and why we always met in a parking lot to get his son and she was always there with her new partner. I sometimes wonder if he did more than I realize because she had to meet him in a parking lot, always came with her partner. But now I don’t think she is as evil as he made her out to be and I am sure she did do abuse to him because she was retaliating and I can understand now why she would keep her kids away from him including their own child and why she would play games in court. People will do anything in court to keep custody. Just thank goodness I didn’t have a baby with him and I can understand now why some women don’t tell their ex’s they are pregnant with their child so they raise them alone without the father in the picture. I would not want someone like him to raise my child and I would probably do the same as his ex and I would have been one of those bitches who does parent alienation. I can also understand now why she would try to say in court that Junior wasn’t his so he had to go and get a copy of the birth certificate to prove he is the father of that child. I wonder if this should be another red flag, when dating, if you meet a guy who is alienated from their child and their ex is playing games in court, run, the man might be bad news and an abuser. Now is it possible that the man could just be innocent and his ex really was a bitch and just didn’t want him in her life for some selfish reason so she makes up lies and everything and the man has given up. My ex could have just moved down to California to be closer to his child but he claimed to have a criminal record thanks to her so it keeps him from getting a job and he has to get it removed. My mom didn’t buy that when I told her that story. Like I say before, he was always a victim and bad stuff always happened to him. But if he had lived closer, he would have seen his son more. He had no problem getting a job. But you are supposed to keep your problems separate from your kids but what if your partner was an abuser? What if the partner is a bad influence on your child? My brother is trying to keep his problems with his ex separate from their kids but his ex is making that hard for him because she keeps involving their oldest and he is believing her lies and getting mad at my brother. What do you tell your child if your ex told them you are being mean to them so your kid comes to you and says “Why are you so mean to Mom, stop being mean to her” then how do you explain that if you are trying to keep your issues with their mother separate from them? How do you tell your kid their mother is lying to them about you? I say my brother should just start being honest with their son but I don’t know if that would be a bad idea because of custody and she could go to court and use that against him which is why he has a lawyer involved. They know all about the laws and the court and what can be used against you and what you should say and not say.

But I say if you are so worried about looking like an asshole and having people make you come off as one that you must keep them from talking to others about you and your relationship and you must have to listen in on their conversations, then maybe you are one and that means look at what you do wrong and change that behavior. I never deliberately said things with him around to piss him off like I read in the article.

Sometimes I still get thoughts in my head about I wished I said this or that to him or done this or that but then I always have to tell myself he was a narcissist so that wouldn’t have done me any good and you cannot argue with a narcissist. Also would it have made me a better person if I did things to him just to show him? It would just have made me just as bad as him. We were nothing but dysfunctional.

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